WE'RE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED BUT I FOUND HIM LOOKING AT GAY WEBSITES EVEN THOUGH HE DENIES IT

Dear RDB readers,

I need help. I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years with a man and am newly engaged. He is mostly overseas and I am finishing school to get my bachelors degree, so for the most part, our relationship is primarily long distance. We have found a way to make it work despite being apart for 9-10 months out of the year (I often go to visit him and he comes to visit me). Long story short, I caught him looking at gay porn. Actually, all sorts of weird porn honestly, but what stood out to me the most was the fat girl porn and gay porn. Specifically: transvestite sex and transvestite porn. WEIRD to say the least.

Anyway, I was devastated and confronted him and asked him if he was gay. He of course denied it and said that he was just really freaky (and he is) and said that he watches so much porn because he is overseas and does not want to cheat on me. Eventually he just started getting off to any and everything he could find. During our argument, I repeatedly tried to get him to admit to me that he was gay because of course, looking at gay porn obviously makes you gay, right?

Eventually I retreated my threats and after some time I forgave him and remained with him.

He said he’d stop looking at it if it bothers me, but I wanted him to stop looking at it because it’s wrong, and it’s gay. He tried to make it seem like any sex is sex and just because that is what he watches doesn’t mean that’s what he wants to do with me or anyone else for that matter. But, men don’t just look at transvestites. It doesn’t help my peace of mind that my butt and breasts are huge and he is in absolute awe of my body, but literally only worships my butt! (Go figure).

It’s been a year and I’ve often checked his computer and he hasn’t been on those websites since. Well, at least not to my finding. Am I wrong for feeling like this makes him gay and feeling like he will leave me for a man or something crazy like. However, I fear that when he leaves again, he’ll start looking at it again once he gets bored or even worse decide to experiment during our engagement or worse after we’re married! I mean he clearly fantasizes about being with, a man or at least a transvestite, right?

It is because of this that I am hesitant to marry him and obviously cannot stop thinking about his sexuality. I try to be an open book and keep communication open between us, but this topic clearly makes him uncomfortable to talk about. He treats me like a freaking diamond, is extremely romantic and thoughtful, manly, God-fearing, sexy, and very successful. I absolutely adore his family, and he mine and we pray together. He’s everything any woman would want in a man, except I am not sure if he is gay/bi, even though he tries to make it clear  that I am his end all be all. The funny thing is I am so kinky, I could care less if he is bi or previously was as long as his heart is mine and only mine and as long as we enter a monogamous marriage.

I don’t want to look back and wish I’d made a different decision, especially if he comes out of the closet on me and embarrasses me later on. We’ve talked about it since, but something is just not right. He wants to marry me soooo badly (so we can finally have kids and live together), but these insecurities are really killing me. I don’t know how to feel, think, or what to do. And, I have not told anyone. I need advice, help. – Concerned About His Sexuality